Perfectly Imperfect

You were born to be real, not to be perfect. I need to vent on this one for a minute. As a human, you only get one life. ONE. I've spent the better half of my past 23 years trying to figure out who I am but at the same time trying to please everyone else, therefore not living my authentic life and my truth. I know who I am. I love who I am. Yeah, I have insecurities but I'm not ashamed anymore. About anything. You can't live your only life in fear of what others might think. Fuck that. Trust yourself enough to create yourself. You can't do that if you don't live for yourself and if you aren't honest to who you are.
For the longest time I prayed daily to God to make me straight. Maybe if I was straight, I'd have a normal life. I'd have a husband, several kids, a house with a big backyard close to the beach, lots of friends, and a sense of love and normalcy. Maybe if I was straight I would have the courage to put the razor blade away,  to finally eat after four days of starving myself,  to not throw up after finally eating, or to stop drinking and doing drugs. I prayed that if he made me straight I wouldn't attempt to kill myself for the second time. I did all of this because I was gay and simply needed God to just fix it and make me normal. I was 13  to 19 with those feelings of self hatred. At 19, I had a heart-to-heart with myself and with God. If he wasn't going to change me then I was going to end it. No joke. I had gotten the pills, I had the razor, I started the bath.  For so many years all I wanted was my sexuality fixed but in that moment right before the end, my mindset was fixed. Being gay is my normal and that's amazing. I started crying and journaling that night. A few hours later I had a coming out letter to my mum. What happened in the coming months shocked me. I was overwhelmingly accepted when I came out to most of my friends and family. What took me 19 years to accept myself, others accepted almost instantly. Those months defined who I am today. I am no longer that self hating and self abusive girl. I am a strong, self loving, confident woman. The "normal" life I wanted as kid, I still want and one day will have. I will just have a badass wife instead of a husband.
I am gay. I am a Christian. I am a tomboy. I like to cuss. I have tattoos. I wear ripped jeans and backwards hats. I do not wear dresses or make up. I party a little too much at times. I shop in the men's department. I am young, random, and impulsive. I'm me. And if  that upsets anyone...too damn bad...because I'm happy. I know who I am and more importantly I love who I am. My life is mine: not my mom's, my dad's, my siblings, my friends,  my pastors, it's MINE. I intend to live my life for me and no one else. You are defined  not by who you were or what you've done but by what you've overcome. No matter who you are or what you're going through, there is a community of people waiting to accept and embrace you for you. I truly believe you cannot be happy with yourself if you don't give yourself the chance to be who you are and give yourself the time to figure out who you are. So make mistakes. Piss people the fuck off. Party too hard. Send that text. Get drunk. Wake up the next morning and wish you hadn't gotten drunk. Wear whatever you feel badass in. Travel to everywhere and nowhere. Ditch work or school every once in a while. Post that photo or video you so desperately want to but are too afraid to. Try and fail then try again. Make memories. You were born to be real, not to be perfect. Your life is yours and yours alone, so fucking live it.
About the Author:
Lauren A. Ward is an Arizona native but a California girl at heart. Struggles with Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, self-harm, eating disorders, ADHD, and dyslexia. Lauren loves late night drives, long walks on the beach, photography, sports, music, writing, impulsive adventures, and trying new things.

Leave a comment