We all want to hold on to what we love. We hold on tight, hoping to never lose anything. But every person on this planet loses someone or something they love. Learning to let go and move on after loss is extremely difficult. Believe me, I know.
In less than two weeks, I will do one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I will spread the ashes of two of my deeply cherished and dearly loved family members. I’ve been planning this for over six months, and now that it’s here.....fuck! Just thinking about it raises my heart rate and turns my stomach in knots. I’m not ready to do this, but I honestly never will be. There are 30 people from all ends of the country who are coming to be part of this day. It’s real and it’s happening.
I feel a significant life shift coming. It will be the start of a new book in my life. Book One has been about trauma, loss, pain, suffering, depression, anxiety, fear, etc. There were certainly many good things that happened during this part of my life, but the overall theme was loss and pain. I’ve held on to this pain and these experiences like badges of honor, if you will. I’ve let it define me, my emotions, and my approach to life. It hasn’t made for a very happy life, I admit.
When I spread my family members’ ashes, I want it to symbolize letting go of the pain, the trauma, the past. I want it to be the last chapter of Book One. I will never fully let go of my loved ones, for they will always be in my heart and soul, but it’s time to start Book Two, Chapter One.
Change is unnerving, but it’s essential for growth. Over the past several months, I’ve given much thought to what the second part of my life will look like. I’ve determined the following:
-It will be about health and wellness, in all ways
-It will be about opening myself up to people and to life
-It will be about volunteering and giving back
-It will be about friendship
-It will be about love
-It will be about fun
-It will be about happiness
-It will be about fulfillment
-It will be about letting go
Of course, I understand all of this won’t happen overnight, but this is the journey I’m taking and what I want the next part of my life to be about. What better way to start on the right foot than opening up and sharing about it?
About the Author: This author has chosen to remain anonymous. Gender Traitor is a safe space for every human being to express themselves in words. We respect the privacy of all of our authors at their request and hope this post encourages anyone who identifies to share their own experiences as well, be it anonymously or otherwise. Here's to finding the place where courage meets comfort.